Harry: Hi! Welcome to Harry's World! Hee hee! Harry is very happy to see you! And......so is Dorothy!
I read a posting on ASC about Voyager Christmas Ornaments, with Tickle Me Harry being one of the featured items. The Harry Kim/Elmo monster comparison got my sick and twisted, um, make that creative juices flowing, and this is the result. I watch Sesame Street every day with my toddler, and I just couldn't help myself.
(with apologies to the Children's Television Workshop)
(Harry gestures at his pet tribble who is gobbling down the furniture in a futile attempt to reproduce, since it's been neutered)
Harry (singing): La da dee dee, la da dee dee, doo doo doo.....!
Can you guess what Harry is thinking about?
(Ta daa! The closet door opens, revealing several women in tiny bikinis)
Girls! That's right, girls!
(Cheesy music plays while footage of all sorts of alien babes rolls past. Harry wipes off his chin.)
Harry: What's that, Dorothy? Dorothy has a question! How does someone pick up a girl? Good questions, Dorothy!
(A viewscreen pops up, showing Neelix standing next to a lovely alien woman with bumps on her head.)
Harry: Let's watch Mr. Neelix pick up a girl!
(Neelix places his hands on the woman's neck and begins tugging.)
Harry and chorus of unseen redshirts: No! You'll break her neck that way, Mr. Neelix! Try it again!
(Neelix bends down, wraps his arms around the woman's knees, and tries to pick her up again.)
Harry and chorus of unseen redshirts: Careful, Mr. Neelix! You'll hurt your back that way! She's going to slap you if you don't figure it out!
(Neelix grunts with frustration, picks up a big honking caveman club, throws the woman over his shoulder, and strides off stage left.)
Harry: He did it! Hee hee hee! Mr. Neelix!
Now, who are girls, and who aren't?
(A viewscreen pops back up, showing the individuals in question.)
Harry: B'Elanna Torres is a girl, and she's really strong! And pretty! Mr. Tuvok isn't a girl. Seven of Nine is a girl. Yowsa! Captain Janeway is a girl, but she's getting a bit old and scraggly. Tom Paris isn't a girl, but some slashfic writers treat him like one! Ha ha ha! Naomi Wildman is a girl, but she's just a LITTLE girl!
Harry: And now...Harry has a question for you! How do YOU pick up girls?
Paris: I generally show up at my sweetie's door with some fine champagne, a volume of love poems, and some flavored massage oil. Rrrrrrr.
Tuvok: I brush two fingers across my wife's cheek, unless we are in public, in which case we merely touch each others hand.
Chakotay: I generally find being knocked unconcious to help, especially if she's blonde.
Harry: Ha ha ha! Good answers!
And now, Harry will ask Seven! Hi Seven! How do you pick up girls....oh, umm...
Seven: Since most girls have legs upon which to stand and walk, I fail to see the relevance of picking them up.
Does this conclude our irrelevant discourse? I must go inform the Captain of what she is doing wrong today.
Harry: Thank you, Seven! Ha ha ha! Bye!
And now, Harry wants to know if you can count with him. How many girls on the ship want to date Harry? Let's count together!
(Nothing happens for a minute)
That's right! Zero! Great counting!
Harry wants to know more about girls. So Harry asked his friend Crewman
Larson how he picks up girls. Larson told him all about it.
(Footage of Larson being pawed on by beautiful women)
Harry: Oh, look! Look! Dorothy is imagining Harry as a real Casanova!
(A thought bubble from the tribble's head shows Harry being pawed on by beautiful women. Within moments, however, they turn into the vampire chicks from Terisia and circle him menacingly)
Dorothy! Stop, Dorothy!
Whew! Harry loves girls, but they don't always love him the way he wants them to! But Harry wants to know more about girls! Where can Harry find out more?
(A viewscreen pops up again.)
Harry: That's right! Harry can watch the Girls Channel!
(Loud, cheesy music plays in the background.)
Announcer: The Girls Channel! All girls, all the time! Hubba hubba hubba!
(The screen goes black, with the caption, "You must be a lieutenant or of higher rank to watch this channel.")
Janeway (over the combadge): Ensign, if you continue to try and access that channel, I'll bust you down to Crewman. Understood?
Harry (meekly): Yes, Ma'am!
(softly) Damn it! Harry wanted to know even more about girls. So he made a video, using this camera. It's called, "B'Elanna Torres in the Sonic Shower," by Harry.
(A viewscreen pops up, showing Torres from the back, above the waist.)
Torres: Computer, activate sonic shower.
(The shower hums. Harry hums along too.)
Torres (suspiciously): Is anyone there!???
(The screen fades to black.)
Harry: Whew! That was a great video, but dangerous to make! Ha ha ha! Thank you, viewscreen!
But Harry still wants to learn more about girls.
(The door swishes open. B'Elanna Torres walks in.)
Torres: Why don't you ask a girl? Sheesh, Starfleet, use your brain!
Harry (meekly, looking to see that the incriminating video is out of sight): Okay, B'Elanna. What is it about girls?
Torres: About girls! Are you implying there's something wrong with us!? We're just perfect the way we are! It's MEN that are the problem! Of course.....Tom isn't that bad. He's awfully cute, especially in that pair of tight black jeans he wears...Look, Starfleet, you'll have to ask someone else. I forgot someone....um, something I had to do in my quarters.
(on her way out the door)
Torres to Paris, meet me in my quarters in 2 minutes. That's an order, Ensign!
Harry: Ha ha ha! Harry loves girls! Dorothy loves girls, too! We won't go into that, though, since this is supposed to be a family-oriented program! Ha ha ha! That's why Dorothy wants us to sing....The Girls Song!
(Dorothy starts playing Harry's clarinet to the tune of Jingle Bells.)
Harry: Girls girls girls, girls girls girls, Harry loves the girls!
Girls girls girls girls girls girls girls girls, Harry wants the girls!
You sing along, too!
Seven: Harry's World was funded in part by A Briefing with Neelix, and was brought to you today by the number 0, and the letter G.
"C" is for "click here" and that's good enough for Pieces